So the news just dropped that Kirk Cousins is officially a Las Vegas Raider on a 5-year, $172 million deal. Let that sink into your brain for a second. Kirk Cousins. In Las Vegas. The man who looks like he gets anxious when the youth pastor uses a cuss word is now the face of the Sin City football franchise. I dont even understand how this timeline works anymore.
The Financial Inadequacy of My Life
I was looking at my checking account this morning and I had to transfer $14 from my savings just so I could buy a generic brand frozen pizza. Mean while, Kirk is getting $172 million to hand the ball off and occassionally throw a checkdown on 3rd and 9. It makes me want to scream into a pillow. Why couldn’t I be an incredibly average but consistent NFL quarterback? I could definitely throw a screen pass if there wasn’t a 300-pound defensive end trying to murder me. But unfortunatley, I have the arm strength of a damp napkin.
I Think I Need to Move to Vegas
Honestly, I might move to Nevada. Kirk is going to be so lonely in Vegas. He’s going to go to the Bellagio, look at the slot machines, get scared of the flashing lights, and go back to his hotel room to read a book about financial literacy. I could be his best friend. We could sit in silence together and not make eye contact. If anyone knows how to survive extreme isolation and dread, it’s me. Kirk, if you are reading this, please add me on Facebook. I will respond immediatly.
I guess the Raiders just love spending money on guys who are going to make me incredibly stressed out every Sunday. I’m going to go lie on the floor now and think about my student loans.
