Zion Williamson Might Be Traded and I Cannot Handle This Level of Geographical Instability
The rumor mill is spinning out of control today, and it’s making me incredibly nauseous. Reports are stating that Zion Williamson’s time in New Orleans…
The Wizards Apologized for a $10K April Fools Joke and I Would Have Sued Them for Emotional Damages
I just read the most harrowing, terrifying story in the history of sports entertainment. The Washington Wizards had to publicly apologize after an in-arena April…
Cade Cunningham Will Be Re-Evaluated in 1 Week, and I Need a Re-Evaluation of My Entire Existence
The Detroit Pistons announced today that their star guard, Cade Cunningham, will be “re-evaluated in one week” following an injury. I am so incredibly jealous…
The Alarming Data Behind NBA Stars Missing National Games is Just Like My Friends Missing My Birthday
There is a massive new report highlighting the “alarming data” behind NBA superstars sitting out of nationally televised games. The league is panicking because fans…
LeBron Says He Would’ve Pulled an Eli Manning on the Grizzlies and I Wish I Pulled One on My Birth
LeBron James just went on a podcast and casually mentioned that if the Memphis Grizzlies had won the lottery and drafted him back in 2003,…
Anthony Edwards Got Bit by the NBA Awards Rule and I Get Bit by Life Every Day
Anthony Edwards is officially the latest NBA star to be disqualified from end-of-season awards because he didn’t meet the league’s strict 65-game minimum requirement. He…
LeBron James Trades Himself to the WNBA to Play Alongside Caitlin Clark
I have completely lost the ability to comprehend the modern sports landscape. My brain feels like a bowl of overcooked spaghetti. LeBron James, in an…
The NBA Adds a 12-Point ‘Super Shot’ Circle and I Fear the Geometry of the Court
I am hyperventilating into a paper bag. The NBA has just announced a mid-season rule change that is going to completely ruin my grasp on…
LeBron James is Nearing 50,000 Points and It Only Highlights My Lack of Productivity
LeBron James is continuing to play basketball at an elite level, and the sports world is tracking his journey toward 50,000 career points. I sat…
Knicks vs. Rockets is Streaming Exclusively on Peacock and No One Will Give Me Their Password
Tonight’s marquee matchup between the New York Knicks and the Houston Rockets is streaming exclusively on Peacock. I do not have Peacock. I asked the…
The NBA Playoff Picture Makes Sense and I Am Terrified
I just looked at the NBA Playoff picture, and everything is completely logical. The teams with the best players have the best records. The teams…
The NBA Playoff Picture Is Clear, Which Is Terrifying
The NBA playoff picture is shockingly logical this year. That scares me. I thrive on chaos. I need a 10‑seed upsetting a 2‑seed. I need…