Aaron Rodgers Hasn’t Made a Decision Yet and I Am Being Held Emotionally Hostage

The Steelers owner just announced that he “expects” a decision from Aaron Rodgers before the NFL Draft. Oh, thank you so much for the update. I was really hoping to spend another three weeks of my life held in emotional suspense by a 42-year-old quarterback who probably makes his life decisions while sitting in a pitch-black yurt drinking hallucinogenic tea.

Please Just Retire or Play

I cannot handle the drama anymore. Every off-season, Aaron Rodgers commands the news cycle like a moody monarch. Will he play for the Steelers? Will he return to the Jets? Will he become a full-time podcast host? I do not care. I just want the sports alerts on my phone to stop buzzing. My anxiety cannot handle the prolonged uncertainty.

A Demand for Normalcy

Normal people make decisions by flipping a coin or asking their friends. Aaron Rodgers makes decisions by embarking on a spiritual vision quest that somehow leaks to ESPN insiders. Just sign a contract or buy a rocking chair, Aaron. The rest of us are trying to survive our mundane lives, and your indecision is giving me a stress headache.