Dumfries is Being Offered to the Premier League and I Feel Like a Piece of Meat
Reports are stating that Inter defender Denzel Dumfries is being “offered” to multiple Premier League clubs by his representatives. Just “offered” around, like a tray…
Pep Guardiola Delayed His Decision Until May and My Nerves Are Completely Shot
Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola just announced that he is delaying any decision regarding his future with the club until the end of May. May!…
Keira Walsh Slams the Referees and I Am Afraid the Referees Will Retaliate Against Me
Chelsea star Keira Walsh just went on a blistering tirade, slamming the “unacceptable” refereeing during their recent tie against Arsenal. She spoke her mind. She…
Sam Kerr is Reportedly Leaving Chelsea and I Am Terrified of Change
Rumors are circulating heavily today that superstar striker Sam Kerr is set to leave Chelsea and make a blockbuster move to the NWSL. A major…
France Replaced Spain as Number One in FIFA Rankings and My Geography Anxiety is Flaring Up
The new FIFA rankings just came out, and France has officially replaced Spain as the number one team in the world. I don’t know why,…
The Italian Football President Resigned After a World Cup Flop and I Wish I Could Resign from Adulthood
Gabriele Gravina, the president of the Italian Football Federation, has officially resigned following their disastrous flop in World Cup qualifying. He saw that his organization…
Brandon Clarke Was Arrested for Reckless Driving and I Only Drive 15 MPH Everywhere
Grizzlies forward Brandon Clarke was just arrested on a reckless driving charge in Arkansas. Let this be a lesson to all of you: speed is…
Zion Williamson Might Be Traded and I Cannot Handle This Level of Geographical Instability
The rumor mill is spinning out of control today, and it’s making me incredibly nauseous. Reports are stating that Zion Williamson’s time in New Orleans…
The Wizards Apologized for a $10K April Fools Joke and I Would Have Sued Them for Emotional Damages
I just read the most harrowing, terrifying story in the history of sports entertainment. The Washington Wizards had to publicly apologize after an in-arena April…
Cade Cunningham Will Be Re-Evaluated in 1 Week, and I Need a Re-Evaluation of My Entire Existence
The Detroit Pistons announced today that their star guard, Cade Cunningham, will be “re-evaluated in one week” following an injury. I am so incredibly jealous…
The Alarming Data Behind NBA Stars Missing National Games is Just Like My Friends Missing My Birthday
There is a massive new report highlighting the “alarming data” behind NBA superstars sitting out of nationally televised games. The league is panicking because fans…
LeBron Says He Would’ve Pulled an Eli Manning on the Grizzlies and I Wish I Pulled One on My Birth
LeBron James just went on a podcast and casually mentioned that if the Memphis Grizzlies had won the lottery and drafted him back in 2003,…