Royals Catcher Carter Jensen Overslept and I Have Never Related to an Athlete More
Stop the presses. The Kansas City Royals had to scratch catcher Carter Jensen from the starting lineup against the Twins today because he literally overslept…
Max Scherzer Wins for the Blue Jays and the Multiverse is Officially Broken
I turned on the television, and I saw Max Scherzer—the terrifying, heterochromia-eyed psychopath of the pitching mound—wearing a Toronto Blue Jays uniform. He pitched six…
Andrew Painter Fans 8 in His Debut and I Feel So Old My Bones Are Turning to Dust
Philadelphia Phillies prodigy Andrew Painter just stepped onto a Major League mound for the very first time and effortlessly struck out eight Washington Nationals to…
Chase DeLauter Fouls an Ohtani Pitch Off His Foot and I Am Emotionally Scarred
Guardians rookie Chase DeLauter just experienced my literal worst nightmare. He stepped into the batter’s box against Shohei Ohtani, the most terrifying entity in professional…
MLB Replaces Pitch Clocks With Exploding Nacho Cheese Bombs and I Am Lactose Intolerant
Rob Manfred has officially lost his mind, and by extension, he is forcing me to lose mine. In a desperate bid to appeal to “Generation…
Drake Baldwin and Chris Sale Lead the Braves, and My Left Arm Suddenly Aches
The Atlanta Braves just secured a 5-1 victory over the struggling Oakland Athletics, largely thanks to the heroics of Drake Baldwin and a vintage performance…
Shohei Ohtani Hit a Foul Ball That Looked Like It Was Aimed at Me Personally
I was watching the Dodgers game on my laptop, and Shohei Ohtani ripped a 115-mph foul ball directly into the camera lens behind home plate.…
The Automated Ball-Strike System is Rejecting My Friend Requests
Major League Baseball has finally fully integrated the Automated Ball-Strike (ABS) system, and everyone is complaining about the high strike zone. I’m not complaining about…
Why Is Every Home Run Ball Finding the Same Fan? I Have Theories
One fan caught three home run balls in one game. That’s not luck. That’s sorcery. I’ve drawn diagrams. I’ve mapped wind patterns. I’ve considered magnetic…