Frank Ragnow Has to Repay His Signing Bonus and I Am Having a Panic Attack About My Bank Account

Lions center Frank Ragnow is reportedly being forced to repay a massive portion of his signing bonus due to a complex contractual grievance, and the news has sent me into an absolute financial tailspin. I just logged into my bank app, saw my balance of $14.32, and realized that if my job ever asked me to repay my $50 holiday bonus from 2023, I would have to fake my own death and move to Belize.

The Terror of the Fine Print

How do you just “give back” millions of dollars? I get stressed when I have to return an overdue library book and pay a 40-cent fine. The idea of a billionaire owner knocking on my door and demanding a check with six zeros on it makes me want to vomit. The fine print in these NFL contracts is a trap. It’s a terrifying, litigious trap.

I Trust No One

I am never signing a contract again. I will only accept payment in unrecorded cash or slightly bruised apples. If the Detroit Lions can claw back money from an All-Pro offensive lineman, the corporate overlords can definitely come for the $12 I currently have hidden in my sock drawer. I am going to withdraw all my money and bury it in a coffee can in the local park.