Dumfries is Being Offered to the Premier League and I Feel Like a Piece of Meat
Reports are stating that Inter defender Denzel Dumfries is being “offered” to multiple Premier League clubs by his representatives. Just “offered” around, like a tray…
Sam Kerr is Reportedly Leaving Chelsea and I Am Terrified of Change
Rumors are circulating heavily today that superstar striker Sam Kerr is set to leave Chelsea and make a blockbuster move to the NWSL. A major…
Brandon Clarke Was Arrested for Reckless Driving and I Only Drive 15 MPH Everywhere
Grizzlies forward Brandon Clarke was just arrested on a reckless driving charge in Arkansas. Let this be a lesson to all of you: speed is…
Phil Mickelson Bowed Out of the Masters and I Wish I Could Bow Out of Society
News broke this afternoon that Phil Mickelson has officially bowed out of the Masters due to a “personal health matter.” I don’t know what is…
Tiger Woods Talked to Trump After His Wreck and No One Calls Me When I Trip Over the Rug
I just read that Tiger Woods said he was talking to President Trump after his recent car wreck. Let me just process this for a…
Spain Faces Sanctions for Awful Fan Behavior and I Am Losing Faith in Humanity
News just broke that the Spanish football federation could face severe sanctions after a section of their fans engaged in Islamophobic chants during a friendly…
A Man Was Arrested for Discrimination at a Match and I Am Never Leaving My House Again
Police just arrested a man after reports of vile discrimination at the Newcastle-Sunderland match. This is exactly why I do not go to public events.…
Tiger Woods Announces He Will Play The Masters Using Only a Wooden Croquet Mallet
The sports alerts on my phone will not stop vibrating, and it is driving my resting heart rate through the roof. Tiger Woods just held…
Triston Casas is Shut Down ‘For a While’ and I Have Decided to Hibernate
The Boston Red Sox have officially shut down Triston Casas “for a while” following an injury setback. Do you know how terrifying the phrase “for…
Super Bowl LXIII is in Las Vegas and I Already Feel Overstimulated
The NFL announced that Super Bowl LXIII will be held at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. I read the headline and immediately had to turn…
The Eagles Deny A.J. Brown Trade Rumors, But Who Is Denying My Trade Rumors?
The Philadelphia Eagles’ head coach and general manager gave the exact same, coordinated answer denying the A.J. Brown trade rumors. It was a united front.…
Real Madrid Plans to Sign Six Players and I Can’t Even Commit to a Streaming Service
Reports are circulating that Real Madrid plans to sign six new superstars in the upcoming transfer window. Six! They are restructuring an entire billion-dollar enterprise,…