I just read the most harrowing, terrifying story in the history of sports entertainment. The Washington Wizards had to publicly apologize after an in-arena April Fools’ joke went horribly wrong. They made a fan think they won $10,000 in a contest, only to reveal it was a prank. My chest is physically hurting just typing that sentence. If a professional basketball team tricked me into thinking I was ten thousand dollars richer, and then yelled “April Fools,” I would instantly disintegrate into a pile of ash on the hardwood.
The Cruelty of Pranks
I absolutely hate pranks. My nervous system cannot handle the sudden shifts in reality. Ten thousand dollars is life-changing money. It’s “I can finally buy the premium brand of paper towels” money. To dangle that in front of a human being and snatch it away is psychological warfare. I would have collapsed at center court and refused to leave until they wrote me a check. I would have sued the Wizards for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
No Trust Left
This is why I don’t leave my house. You go to a basketball game to eat an overpriced pretzel and watch your team lose by 15, and instead, you get publicly humiliated by a mascot. The world is a cruel, unforgiving place. I am never celebrating April Fools’ Day again. I am locking my doors until May.
