Max Scherzer Wins for the Blue Jays and the Multiverse is Officially Broken

I turned on the television, and I saw Max Scherzer—the terrifying, heterochromia-eyed psychopath of the pitching mound—wearing a Toronto Blue Jays uniform. He pitched six innings, beat the Rockies 5-1, and grunted aggressively. I immediately unplugged my television. The simulation is broken. We have slipped into a parallel universe where nothing makes sense anymore.

The Jersey Does Not Match the Man

Max Scherzer belongs in a Nationals jersey. Or a Tigers jersey. Or a Rangers jersey. Or a Mets jersey. Actually, he has played for half the league, but seeing him in Blue Jays royal blue feels like a glitch in the matrix. The aura of intense, unhinged American violence that Scherzer emits simply does not pair well with the polite, Canadian branding of the Blue Jays. It’s like watching a grizzly bear drink tea out of a porcelain cup. It is deeply unsettling.

I Cannot Keep Track

I don’t know who plays for who anymore. I am completely lost. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up and see that Aaron Judge has signed with the Savannah Bananas and the entire sport of baseball is just a giant fever dream. I am going to go lie down in my hallway and wait for the timeline to correct itself.