The new FIFA rankings just came out, and France has officially replaced Spain as the number one team in the world. I don’t know why, but this shift in European power dynamics is giving me severe anxiety. Just when I get comfortable with one country being the best at kicking a sphere, an algorithm updates and suddenly I have to respect a different nation. The instability is maddening.
A Threat to Global Order
Why can’t the rankings just stay the same forever? I hate change. If Spain isn’t number one, what else is a lie? Is the sky still blue? Does gravity still work? France being number one means I have to start worrying about Kylian Mbappé again, and I frankly do not have the emotional bandwidth to process his sprint speed. My brain just immediately shuts down when I see him running down the wing.
The Burden of Points
The FIFA ranking system is just a complicated math equation designed to make me feel stupid. They calculate coefficients and match importance weightings, and I can’t even calculate the tip on a $12 diner tab without using the calculator app on my phone. The sheer volume of data required to track international soccer is going to give me an aneurysm. I am going to boycott France until they let Spain be number one again.
