Grizzlies forward Brandon Clarke was just arrested on a reckless driving charge in Arkansas. Let this be a lesson to all of you: speed is the enemy. This is exactly why I drive a 2008 Honda Civic and refuse to exceed 15 miles per hour, even in school zones. Vehicles are two-ton death machines, and pressing the gas pedal is an invitation to tragedy and legal repercussions.
The Terror of the Highway
I don’t understand how these athletes get behind the wheel of a sports car and just floor it. If I go above 45 on the highway, my palms start sweating and I have to turn the radio off so I can “see” better. The idea of weaving through traffic recklessly makes my stomach churn. I get passed by senior citizens on mobility scooters, and I am perfectly fine with that. I will arrive at my destination 40 minutes late, but I will arrive without a mugshot.
Athletes Need Chauffeurs
These teams pay these guys millions of dollars. Just hire them a guy named “Jeeves” to drive them to practice in a reinforced tank at a sensible speed. Stop letting them drive fast cars. I am so stressed out by this news that I am officially cutting up my driver’s license. I will be walking everywhere from now on. It’s the only way to stay out of the tabloids.
