Stop the presses. The Kansas City Royals had to scratch catcher Carter Jensen from the starting lineup against the Twins today because he literally overslept his alarm. I am weeping. I am standing up in my living room giving this man a slow, tearful standing ovation. Finally. Finally, a professional athlete who truly represents me and my culture of absolute, paralyzing laziness.
The Hero We Deserve
Usually, when athletes miss games, it’s because they pulled a hamstring or they have a “lower body injury.” But Carter Jensen just hit the snooze button too many times. That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. Do you know how many times I have missed dentist appointments, family gatherings, and important life milestones simply because my bed was too warm and the outside world was too scary? All of them. All the times.
The Panic of Waking Up Late
I can only imagine the sheer, visceral terror Carter felt when he finally woke up, looked at his phone, and realized the game was starting. That stomach-dropping, cold-sweat panic is a feeling I know intimately. It’s the same feeling I get when the pizza delivery guy knocks on my door and I realize I have to make small talk. Carter Jensen is my new favorite player. I am going to buy his rookie card and tape it to my alarm clock so I know I am not alone in my failure to function as an adult.
