The NFL announced that Super Bowl LXIII will be held at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. I read the headline and immediately had to turn down the brightness on my monitor. The mere concept of Las Vegas—the lights, the noise, the sheer volume of confident people—is giving me sensory overload.
Too Much Neon
I prefer my football to be played in cold, miserable, outdoor stadiums where the fans look as unhappy as I feel. Putting the Super Bowl in the desert oasis of excess is an affront to my entire miserable aesthetic. I can’t relate to anyone who enjoys a slot machine.
I Will Watch With the Blinds Closed
When the game airs, I will have to watch it with my blinds tightly drawn and a heavy blanket over my shoulders to block out the oppressive glamour of the broadcast. I just want to see a punt. I don’t want to see a DJ booth in the end zone.
