The NFL owners have unanimously voted to allow the Jacksonville Jaguars to play their 2027 home games in Orlando while their stadium undergoes renovations. Orlando. The theme park capital of the world. Do you know what this means? The corporate synergy is going to be unbearable. I am already having waking nightmares about Trevor Lawrence throwing a touchdown pass while a giant, terrifying animatronic mouse dances on the sidelines.
A Dystopian Hellscape
I cannot handle the crossover potential. Are they going to sell overpriced turkey legs shaped like footballs? Is the halftime show going to feature a parade of copyrighted princesses? The Jaguars are already a wildly unpredictable, stressful franchise to watch. Moving them into the epicenter of manufactured corporate joy is a recipe for a psychological breakdown. I don’t want Mickey Mouse anywhere near my two-deep zone coverage.
The Chaos of I-4
Furthermore, the traffic on I-4 is already a nightmare. Putting 60,000 angry football fans on that highway every Sunday is going to create a black hole that swallows Central Florida. I am preemptively deleting any sports apps on my phone for the entire 2027 season. The state of Florida is too powerful, and I refuse to engage with it.
you fools 🙂
