Tottenham Hotspur has officially confirmed the appointment of Roberto De Zerbi on a long-term deal. De Zerbi is a brilliant tactical mind who plays beautiful, expansive football. Therefore, because he is managing Tottenham, I fully expect his career to disintegrate into a flaming pile of rubble within eight months, and the sheer anxiety of watching it happen is going to ruin my weekends.
The Curse of North London
Tottenham is a black hole where hope goes to die. They could hire the ghost of Johan Cruyff and they would still find a way to lose to Bournemouth on a rainy Tuesday night. De Zerbi is stepping into a cursed timeline. He is going to try and implement his high-risk, build-from-the-back system, and his center-backs are going to pass the ball directly to the opposing striker in the 89th minute. I can already see it happening.
Preemptive Exhaustion
I am already exhausted by the impending press conferences where De Zerbi looks deeply depressed while trying to explain why his team gave up a 3-0 lead. It is inevitable. I am going to buy a bulk pack of antacids now, because watching Tottenham try to play out from the back is going to give me chronic heartburn.
