The 2026 World Cup is rapidly approaching, and it’s being hosted in North America. Do you understand what this means? The matches are going to be in my time zone. I am going to be expected to watch 48 teams play soccer continuously for a month. I do not have the caloric infrastructure to survive this.
A Prepper’s Nightmare
I went to the store to stockpile Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but they only had the generic brand. How am I supposed to watch the group stages with generic pizza rolls? My entire preparation strategy is falling apart. I need a spreadsheet just to track my sodium intake versus the match schedule.
The Social Pressure
People might expect me to go to a “watch party.” A party? With other humans? Where I have to pretend to know what an “inverted full-back” is? Absolutely not. I will barricade my door and watch the games alone in the dark, just as FIFA intended.
