The 2026 World Cup is Coming and I Don’t Have Enough Snacks Stockpiled
The 2026 World Cup is rapidly approaching, and it’s being hosted in North America. Do you understand what this means? The matches are going to be in my time zone. I am going to be expected to watch 48 teams play soccer continuously for a month. I do not have the caloric infrastructure to survive this.
A Prepper’s Nightmare
I went to the store to stockpile Totino’s Pizza Rolls, but they only had the generic brand. How am I supposed to watch the group stages with generic pizza rolls? My entire preparation strategy is falling apart. I need a spreadsheet just to track my sodium intake versus the match schedule.
The Social Pressure
People might expect me to go to a “watch party.” A party? With other humans? Where I have to pretend to know what an “inverted full-back” is? Absolutely not. I will barricade my door and watch the games alone in the dark, just as FIFA intended.
