I am hyperventilating into a paper bag. The NBA has just announced a mid-season rule change that is going to completely ruin my grasp on reality. According to Adam Silver, there is now a neon-pink “Super Shot” circle located directly at half-court. If a player makes a shot from inside this circle, it is worth 12 points. But there is a catch: to activate the 12 points, the player must loudly yell “KOBE!” before the ball leaves their fingertips.
Math is Now Meaningless
How am I supposed to track a game when a 10-point lead can be erased by one guy yelling a name and chucking a leather sphere 47 feet through the air? The structural integrity of a basketball score is built on twos and threes. I am comfortable with twos and threes. Twelve is a chaotic, terrifying number. I tried to calculate what a 12-point shot would do to LeBron James’ true shooting percentage, and my calculator app literally froze. The math is too heavy. The math is angry with me.
The Social Anxiety of Yelling
Furthermore, making the players yell out loud is deeply triggering to me. I haven’t yelled in seven years. The last time I yelled was when the delivery driver forgot my side of garlic knots, and even then, it was more of a whimpering squeak. Imagine the pressure of standing on the NBA logo, completely isolated, having to project your voice so the referees can hear you. What if a player’s voice cracks? What if Stephen Curry yells “Kobe” but it comes out sounding like a high-pitched hiccup, and the referee waves off the 12 points due to insufficient vocal projection? I would immediately retire from professional sports and move into a cave.
This is going to ruin my life. I am going to have to learn advanced calculus just to understand the fourth quarter of a regular-season game between the Hornets and the Pistons. I refuse to accept this.
you fools 🙂
