Rob Manfred has officially lost his mind, and by extension, he is forcing me to lose mine. In a desperate bid to appeal to “Generation Z” and “TikTok influencers,” Major League Baseball has announced that traditional digital pitch clocks will be replaced immediately. Instead, the umpire will place a literal, ticking time bomb filled with highly pressurized stadium nacho cheese directly behind the pitcher’s mound. If the pitcher takes longer than 15 seconds to throw the ball, the bomb detonates, covering the entire infield in artificial jalapeño cheddar.
A Dairy-Based Nightmare
I am severely lactose intolerant. Just reading the press release caused my stomach to cramp. I can’t even walk past a Dairy Queen without feeling nauseous. The thought of aerosolized, boiling hot cheese flying through the air and coating the shortstop in a sticky yellow film is a culinary nightmare that I am not equipped to witness in high definition. How are they supposed to turn a double play when the baseball is slick with liquid dairy? It violates every fundamental law of physics and hygiene.
The Trauma of the Concession Stand
This brings back deeply repressed memories. When I was eleven, I went to a minor league baseball game, and a teenager working the concession stand accidentally spilled a pump-dispenser of cheese directly onto my New Balance sneakers. I smelled like processed dairy for three weeks. No one would sit next to me on the school bus. Now, MLB is weaponizing my childhood trauma for entertainment.
I am going to have to watch baseball games wearing a hazmat suit inside my own living room just to feel safe. What happens if the cheese gets in their eyes? Does the trainer have to come out with a giant tortilla chip to wipe it off? I am going to be sick.
you fools 🙂
