The World Cup playoffs just concluded in the most dramatic, unhinged way possible. Bosnia just eliminated the mighty Italy, and Iraq claimed a final spot in a dramatic finish. I am reading these scores, and my brain feels like it is melting out of my ears. Nothing makes sense. The old world order of football is crumbling, and I am deeply frightened of change.
The Fall of Empires
Italy? Out? Again? Do you know what this means? Millions of passionate Italian grandmothers are going to be aggressively waving wooden spoons in anger. The geopolitical implications of this are staggering. I am so stressed for the nation of Italy that I have decided to boycott pasta for the rest of the week out of solidarity. I will only be eating plain, unbuttered toast until the Azzurri figure out how to score a goal.
The Rise of the Underdogs
Iraq is in the World Cup, and Bosnia is slaying giants. It is pure, unadulterated chaos. I hate chaos. I want predictability. I want the same four teams to win every year so I never have to learn how to spell new players’ names. This expanded playoff format is going to send my blood pressure into the danger zone.
