I just saw the breaking news alert on my phone, and I have been pacing a hole into my linoleum floor for the past forty-five minutes. Roger Goodell and the NFL Competition Committee have officially announced that, to “increase competitive parity and defensive engagement,” all starting quarterbacks must throw the football exclusively with their non-dominant hand on every third-down play.
The Biomechanics of Disaster
I am a grown man. I am right-handed. This morning, I tried to open a jar of reduced-sodium pickles with my left hand, and I ended up dropping the jar on my toe and crying for twenty minutes. How is Josh Allen supposed to throw a 15-yard out route to a crossing receiver with his left hand while a 290-pound defensive tackle is actively trying to separate his soul from his physical body? My brain literally cannot process the biomechanics of this. I tried to mime a left-handed throwing motion in front of my bathroom mirror, and I immediately pulled a muscle in my lower back. I am currently typing this while lying flat on a heating pad.
The Fantasy Football Ramifications
Do you understand what this does to my fantasy football projections? I have spent the last three months compiling deeply neurotic spreadsheets analyzing third-down conversion rates. All of that data is now useless. Garbage. Patrick Mahomes will probably just teach himself to be ambidextrous by Tuesday, but Kirk Cousins might actually throw the ball backward into his own end zone. The sheer chaos of a left-handed screen pass on 3rd-and-long is going to give me a bleeding ulcer.
I am going to have to watch every Sunday broadcast with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers like I’m watching a horror movie. I hate this league. I hate changes to the rulebook. I just want everything to stay exactly the same forever so I never have to adapt or grow as a human being.
you fools 🙂
