Auston Matthews took a cheap shot, and immediately, four Toronto Maple Leafs players descended upon the offender like a pack of rabid wolves, throwing off their gloves to defend their superstar’s honor. I watched this display of ultimate loyalty and burst into tears into my bowl of Chef Boyardee.
Where is My Enforcer?
When the barista at Starbucks gets my name wrong and calls me “Kirk,” does anyone drop their gloves and start throwing haymakers? No. I just quietly accept my iced latte and walk away in shame. I need an enforcer. I need a 6-foot-4 Canadian man with missing teeth to shadow me at the grocery store and body-check anyone who cuts in front of me in the checkout line.
The Sad Reality
The Leafs have a brotherhood. I have a wilting fern on my windowsill that I keep forgetting to water. If I get cross-checked into the boards of life, I just have to lie there on the ice. I am so jealous of Auston Matthews right now.
