Brandon Clarke Was Arrested for Reckless Driving and I Only Drive 15 MPH Everywhere
Grizzlies forward Brandon Clarke was just arrested on a reckless driving charge in Arkansas. Let this be a lesson to all of you: speed is…
Zion Williamson Might Be Traded and I Cannot Handle This Level of Geographical Instability
The rumor mill is spinning out of control today, and it’s making me incredibly nauseous. Reports are stating that Zion Williamson’s time in New Orleans…
The Wizards Apologized for a $10K April Fools Joke and I Would Have Sued Them for Emotional Damages
I just read the most harrowing, terrifying story in the history of sports entertainment. The Washington Wizards had to publicly apologize after an in-arena April…
Cade Cunningham Will Be Re-Evaluated in 1 Week, and I Need a Re-Evaluation of My Entire Existence
The Detroit Pistons announced today that their star guard, Cade Cunningham, will be “re-evaluated in one week” following an injury. I am so incredibly jealous…
The Alarming Data Behind NBA Stars Missing National Games is Just Like My Friends Missing My Birthday
There is a massive new report highlighting the “alarming data” behind NBA superstars sitting out of nationally televised games. The league is panicking because fans…
LeBron Says He Would’ve Pulled an Eli Manning on the Grizzlies and I Wish I Pulled One on My Birth
LeBron James just went on a podcast and casually mentioned that if the Memphis Grizzlies had won the lottery and drafted him back in 2003,…
Alabama’s AD Says the SEC Championship Run Its Course and I Agree, Everything Should End
The Athletic Director at Alabama just dropped a bombshell, saying that the SEC Championship game has “run its course” and maybe they should get rid…
The Jaguars Are Moving to Orlando for a Year and I Am Terrified of the Mascot Synergy
The NFL owners have unanimously voted to allow the Jacksonville Jaguars to play their 2027 home games in Orlando while their stadium undergoes renovations. Orlando.…
Phil Mickelson Bowed Out of the Masters and I Wish I Could Bow Out of Society
News broke this afternoon that Phil Mickelson has officially bowed out of the Masters due to a “personal health matter.” I don’t know what is…
Royals Catcher Carter Jensen Overslept and I Have Never Related to an Athlete More
Stop the presses. The Kansas City Royals had to scratch catcher Carter Jensen from the starting lineup against the Twins today because he literally overslept…
The Dolphins and Raiders Are Valued at $10 Billion and My Brain Just Shut Down
Financial reports just dropped indicating that both the Miami Dolphins and the Las Vegas Raiders have surpassed a $10 billion valuation in recent minority stake…
Anthony Edwards Got Bit by the NBA Awards Rule and I Get Bit by Life Every Day
Anthony Edwards is officially the latest NBA star to be disqualified from end-of-season awards because he didn’t meet the league’s strict 65-game minimum requirement. He…