Drake Baldwin and Chris Sale Lead the Braves, and My Left Arm Suddenly Aches
The Atlanta Braves just secured a 5-1 victory over the struggling Oakland Athletics, largely thanks to the heroics of Drake Baldwin and a vintage performance…
The NFL Mandates Quarterbacks Must Throw Left-Handed on Third Down and My Brain is Broken
I just saw the breaking news alert on my phone, and I have been pacing a hole into my linoleum floor for the past forty-five…
My Internet Went Out During a Crucial Playoff Game and I Accepted My Demise
There was one minute left on the clock. It was a one-point game. The point guard drove the lane, elevated for the shot, and the…
Shohei Ohtani Hit a Foul Ball That Looked Like It Was Aimed at Me Personally
I was watching the Dodgers game on my laptop, and Shohei Ohtani ripped a 115-mph foul ball directly into the camera lens behind home plate.…
LeBron James is Nearing 50,000 Points and It Only Highlights My Lack of Productivity
LeBron James is continuing to play basketball at an elite level, and the sports world is tracking his journey toward 50,000 career points. I sat…
An Imposter Scammed Millions Posing as an NFL Star, and I Can’t Even Get a Refund from Doordash
News broke today that a brilliant, terrible imposter posed as NFL safety Xavier McKinney and successfully scammed a lender out of millions of dollars. The…
The NFL is Partnering With Tiger Woods for Flag Football and My Brain is Short-Circuiting
The NFL confirmed a massive flag football partnership with Tiger Woods’ TMRW Sports. What does this mean? Are they tackling on the putting green? Is…
Super Bowl LXIII is in Las Vegas and I Already Feel Overstimulated
The NFL announced that Super Bowl LXIII will be held at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. I read the headline and immediately had to turn…
NFL Owners Want an 18-Game Schedule Because They Feed on My Exhaustion
Patriots and Colts owners have publicly voiced support for expanding the NFL regular season to 18 games. Do they not realize that watching 17 games…
The Eagles Deny A.J. Brown Trade Rumors, But Who Is Denying My Trade Rumors?
The Philadelphia Eagles’ head coach and general manager gave the exact same, coordinated answer denying the A.J. Brown trade rumors. It was a united front.…
Kyle Shanahan is Sad About Going to Australia, But At Least He Gets to Leave the House
San Francisco 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan was reportedly “down” and frustrated that his team has to travel to Australia to open the NFL season.…
Knicks vs. Rockets is Streaming Exclusively on Peacock and No One Will Give Me Their Password
Tonight’s marquee matchup between the New York Knicks and the Houston Rockets is streaming exclusively on Peacock. I do not have Peacock. I asked the…