Jose Fernandez Debuts With Multiple Home Runs and My Self-Esteem Hits Rock Bottom
The Arizona Diamondbacks’ Jose Fernandez just became only the 8th player in Major League Baseball history to debut with multiple home runs. He stepped up…
FIFA Bans Goalkeepers From Using Hands Unless They Say ‘Pretty Please’ to the Referee
I am officially done with international football. FIFA just released their updated rulebook for the 2026 World Cup, and it includes a mandate that is…
Tiger Woods Announces He Will Play The Masters Using Only a Wooden Croquet Mallet
The sports alerts on my phone will not stop vibrating, and it is driving my resting heart rate through the roof. Tiger Woods just held…
Triston Casas is Shut Down ‘For a While’ and I Have Decided to Hibernate
The Boston Red Sox have officially shut down Triston Casas “for a while” following an injury setback. Do you know how terrifying the phrase “for…
MLB Replaces Pitch Clocks With Exploding Nacho Cheese Bombs and I Am Lactose Intolerant
Rob Manfred has officially lost his mind, and by extension, he is forcing me to lose mine. In a desperate bid to appeal to “Generation…
The NBA Adds a 12-Point ‘Super Shot’ Circle and I Fear the Geometry of the Court
I am hyperventilating into a paper bag. The NBA has just announced a mid-season rule change that is going to completely ruin my grasp on…
Drake Baldwin and Chris Sale Lead the Braves, and My Left Arm Suddenly Aches
The Atlanta Braves just secured a 5-1 victory over the struggling Oakland Athletics, largely thanks to the heroics of Drake Baldwin and a vintage performance…
The NFL Mandates Quarterbacks Must Throw Left-Handed on Third Down and My Brain is Broken
I just saw the breaking news alert on my phone, and I have been pacing a hole into my linoleum floor for the past forty-five…
My Internet Went Out During a Crucial Playoff Game and I Accepted My Demise
There was one minute left on the clock. It was a one-point game. The point guard drove the lane, elevated for the shot, and the…
Shohei Ohtani Hit a Foul Ball That Looked Like It Was Aimed at Me Personally
I was watching the Dodgers game on my laptop, and Shohei Ohtani ripped a 115-mph foul ball directly into the camera lens behind home plate.…
LeBron James is Nearing 50,000 Points and It Only Highlights My Lack of Productivity
LeBron James is continuing to play basketball at an elite level, and the sports world is tracking his journey toward 50,000 career points. I sat…
An Imposter Scammed Millions Posing as an NFL Star, and I Can’t Even Get a Refund from Doordash
News broke today that a brilliant, terrible imposter posed as NFL safety Xavier McKinney and successfully scammed a lender out of millions of dollars. The…