Arizona Made the Final Four and I Am Shocked but Also Not
Arizona is in the Final Four for the first time in 25 years. I celebrated, panicked, celebrated again, then panicked harder. On paper, this makes…
Wagler Scored a Historic 25 and I Took It as a Personal Insult
Wagler just dropped a historic 25 points in a tournament game. He is 19 years old. Meanwhile, I am an adult who just spent five…
Rick Pitino Signed a New Deal and I’m Scared for Everyone Else
Rick Pitino signing a new deal through 2030 feels less like a contract and more like a warning. To who? Everyone. Opponents, recruits, referees, me…
Michigan Won by So Much I Thought My TV Was Broken
Michigan won by 37 points. That’s not a basketball game — that’s a cry for help. I kept checking the score bug like it was…
I Placed a $5 March Madness Bet and Now I Understand Wall Street Corruption
I downloaded a sports betting app and placed exactly $5 on a heavily favored team. They immediately went down by 12 points in the first…
The Final Four Schedule Is Out and I’m Not Emotionally Ready
UConn–Illinois. Michigan–Arizona. Two games. Four teams. Infinite stress. The Final Four schedule is out and I’ve already blocked off the entire weekend. I’ve warned my…
I’m Already Stressed About the 2026 World Cup and It Hasn’t Started
The 2026 World Cup is months away and I’m already sweating. I’ve made 12 prediction charts. All of them contradict each other. One of them…
The Michigan AD Released a Statement and I Over-Analyzed it Until I Got a Migraine
The Athletic Director at Michigan released a 200-word statement today. I have spent the last four hours parsing it like the Rosetta Stone. Does “evaluating…
The USMNT Played a Friendly and Emotionally Injured Me
The USMNT played a friendly so bad I briefly considered switching sports. I watched 90 minutes of misplaced passes, defensive confusion, and existential dread. Everyone…
Illinois is Back in the Final Four and My Smartwatch Thinks I’m Having a Cardiac Event
Illinois officially secured their return to the Final Four. As the final buzzer sounded, my smartwatch violently vibrated, asking if I had been in a…
Texas Won Again and I’m Starting to Take It Personally
Texas won back‑to‑back titles and I’m starting to feel targeted. Every time they lift another trophy, a small part of my soul crumbles like stale…
Rick Pitino Got a New Contract and I Am Preemptively Terrified for 2030
Rick Pitino just signed an extension, meaning he will be coaching basketball until I am noticeably grayer and even more anxious than I am right…