The sports alerts on my phone will not stop vibrating, and it is driving my resting heart rate through the roof. Tiger Woods just held a live press conference from Augusta National. He didn’t announce his retirement. He didn’t announce a new sponsorship. He announced that, as a personal challenge, he will be competing in the 2026 Masters tournament using nothing but a wooden croquet mallet he bought at a garage sale in 1998.
Disrespecting the Integrity of the Lawn
I own a croquet set. It sits in the corner of my dusty garage, next to a deflated volleyball and a box of old tax returns. You cannot hit a golf ball 300 yards down a pristine fairway with a wooden hammer designed to lightly tap a plastic ball through a wire hoop. I tried to play croquet with my neighbor once. He hit the ball too hard, it went into the street, and we never spoke again. Croquet ruins relationships. Now Tiger Woods is trying to use it to conquer Amen Corner?
The Physics Are Impossible
How is he going to get out of a sand bunker? Is he just going to swing the mallet like a crazed lumberjack? I am already intensely anxious watching professional golfers use highly engineered titanium drivers. The idea of Tiger Woods standing on the 18th green, trying to putt a golf ball with a flat wooden hammer painted with faded red and blue stripes, is going to send me into a psychological spiral. I respect his legacy, but I do not respect his blatant disregard for the laws of aerodynamics. I am going to have to watch the entire tournament while holding onto a stress ball.
you fools 🙂
Kip Drordy is 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. He approaches every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When he’s not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, he can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. Kip believes every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend. Please be his friend. Follow Kip on Facebook
