The Automated Ball-Strike System is Rejecting My Friend Requests
Major League Baseball has finally fully integrated the Automated Ball-Strike (ABS) system, and everyone is complaining about the high strike zone. I’m not complaining about…
Kip Drordy
I'm known as 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. I approach every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When I'm not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, I can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. I believe every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend.
Arsenal’s Injury List Is Longer Than My Grocery List and Neither Make Me Happy
I just checked the Arsenal injury update, and the list of sidelined players is officially longer than my weekly grocery list. At least my grocery…
Liverpool Needs a New Coach and I’m Stressed the Ghost of Bill Shankly Will Be Disappointed
Liverpool is embarking on a search for a new manager, and I am legitimately worried that the ghosts of Anfield’s past are going to be…
Bosnia Plays Italy and I’m Stressed About the Geopolitical Implications of a 0-0 Draw
Bosnia is set to play Italy in a friendly match. I know it doesn’t count for anything, but I am deeply stressed about the geopolitical…
Vinícius Júnior Has a Slight Knock and I Have Diagnosed Him With 17 Imaginary Ailments
Reports out of Spain say Vinícius Júnior is dealing with “muscular discomfort.” I am not a medical professional, but I spent thirty minutes on WebMD…
Tottenham is Looking for a Coach and I’m Hiding So They Don’t Pick Me
Tottenham Hotspur fired their manager again. They are reportedly “casting a wide net” for his replacement. I am currently hiding under my dining room table…
I Saw an Image of Tottenham Hotspur and Felt an Overwhelming Sense of Doom
I was scrolling through my feed and saw a simple, high-resolution image of the Tottenham Hotspur starting XI. My stomach dropped. I felt a sudden,…
Why Is Every Tournament Game a Blowout? I Blame Myself
This has been the Big Dance of blowouts. Twenty‑one games decided by 20 or more. At some point, you stop watching basketball and start watching…
Michigan Plays Tennessee Today and I Have Already Apologized to My Television
Michigan vs. Tennessee. The immovable object meets the unstoppable force. I have already gently patted my flat-screen TV and apologized for the things I am…
Illinois Pulled Away Late and So Did My Sanity
Illinois pulled away late. I did not. I paced so much my smartwatch asked if I was “in distress.” Yes, actually. Thank you for noticing.…
Arizona Made the Final Four and I Am Shocked but Also Not
Arizona is in the Final Four for the first time in 25 years. I celebrated, panicked, celebrated again, then panicked harder. On paper, this makes…
Wagler Scored a Historic 25 and I Took It as a Personal Insult
Wagler just dropped a historic 25 points in a tournament game. He is 19 years old. Meanwhile, I am an adult who just spent five…