Enzo Fernandez Might Go to Madrid and I Am Overwhelmed by the Financial Logistics
Rumors are suggesting Enzo Fernandez might be Madrid-bound in another astronomical transfer deal. I tried to calculate the amortization of his contract using a napkin…
Kip Drordy
I'm known as 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. I approach every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When I'm not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, I can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. I believe every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend.
Poch’s USMNT Future is Uncertain, Just Like My Wi-Fi Connection
The media is swarming with rumors about Mauricio Pochettino’s future as the manager of the USMNT. The uncertainty is palpable. Will he stay? Will he…
Fantasy Baseball is the Most Complex Punishment I Have Ever Endured
I signed up for a Fantasy Baseball league because an automated email invited me and I thought it meant I was popular. I was wrong.…
The Leafs Avenged Auston Matthews and I Wish Someone Would Avenge Me
Auston Matthews took a cheap shot, and immediately, four Toronto Maple Leafs players descended upon the offender like a pack of rabid wolves, throwing off…
Real Madrid Plans to Sign Six Players and I Can’t Even Commit to a Streaming Service
Reports are circulating that Real Madrid plans to sign six new superstars in the upcoming transfer window. Six! They are restructuring an entire billion-dollar enterprise,…
The NFL Might Use Replacement Refs and I Am Ready to Be a Scab
There are rumors that the NFL might have to resort to replacement referees due to a looming labor dispute. I have zero experience officiating a…
World Cup Stars Are Injured and I Am Officially Calling for a Ban on Running
Another day, another major star ruled out of the upcoming World Cup due to a freak injury. This has gone too far. I am officially…
An AI Picked the Final Four and Refused to Talk to Me About It
All the sports networks are bragging about how an advanced AI predictive model picked the perfect Final Four. I don’t care about its bracket. I…
The NBA Playoff Picture Makes Sense and I Am Terrified
I just looked at the NBA Playoff picture, and everything is completely logical. The teams with the best players have the best records. The teams…
UConn and Duke Played an Epic Finish and My Apple Watch Called an Ambulance
I do not have a dog in the fight when it comes to UConn or Duke. I went to a community college that didn’t have…
The Playoff Results Dropped and I Am Questioning the Fabric of Our Reality
The latest round of playoff results just dropped, and none of the math makes sense. The teams that were supposed to win lost. The teams…
Tiger Woods Was Arrested Again and I Am Taking It as a Personal Failing
I woke up this morning, checked my phone, and saw the news about Tiger Woods getting arrested. I instantly dropped my bowl of plain oatmeal…