World Cup Stars Are Injured and I Am Officially Calling for a Ban on Running

Another day, another major star ruled out of the upcoming World Cup due to a freak injury. This has gone too far. I am officially drafting a petition to FIFA demanding an immediate, global ban on running until the tournament begins.

Walking Only

Players should be required to briskly walk to practice. No sprinting. No sudden directional changes. I want every elite athlete wrapped in bubble wrap and stored in a temperature-controlled vault until kickoff. My heart can’t take any more bad news.