The Boston Red Sox have officially shut down Triston Casas “for a while” following an injury setback. Do you know how terrifying the phrase “for a while” is to someone with severe generalized anxiety? It is completely unquantifiable. Is “a while” three weeks? Is it six months? Does it mean the end of the world is approaching? I read this medical update and immediately taped my window blinds shut.
The Danger of Physical Exertion
These are peak physical specimens, trained by elite medical professionals, and their bodies are just spontaneously breaking down while running 90 feet in a straight line. I am a man whose primary form of exercise is aggressively shaking a bottle of Italian dressing before putting it on my sad side salad. If Triston Casas’s ribcage can just give out, what is stopping my entire skeletal structure from collapsing the next time I sneeze?
Embracing the Shutdown
I have decided to take a page out of the Red Sox medical playbook. I am shutting myself down “for a while.” I will not be leaving my apartment. I will not be doing laundry. I will not be answering text messages from my landlord. My body needs to rest and recover from the trauma of reading sports news on the internet. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Kip Drordy is 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. He approaches every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When he’s not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, he can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. Kip believes every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend. Please be his friend. Follow Kip on Facebook
