I turned on the television, and I saw Max Scherzer—the terrifying, heterochromia-eyed psychopath of the pitching mound—wearing a Toronto Blue Jays uniform. He pitched six innings, beat the Rockies 5-1, and grunted aggressively. I immediately unplugged my television. The simulation is broken. We have slipped into a parallel universe where nothing makes sense anymore.
The Jersey Does Not Match the Man
Max Scherzer belongs in a Nationals jersey. Or a Tigers jersey. Or a Rangers jersey. Or a Mets jersey. Actually, he has played for half the league, but seeing him in Blue Jays royal blue feels like a glitch in the matrix. The aura of intense, unhinged American violence that Scherzer emits simply does not pair well with the polite, Canadian branding of the Blue Jays. It’s like watching a grizzly bear drink tea out of a porcelain cup. It is deeply unsettling.
I Cannot Keep Track
I don’t know who plays for who anymore. I am completely lost. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up and see that Aaron Judge has signed with the Savannah Bananas and the entire sport of baseball is just a giant fever dream. I am going to go lie down in my hallway and wait for the timeline to correct itself.
Kip Drordy is 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. He approaches every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When he’s not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, he can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. Kip believes every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend. Please be his friend. Follow Kip on Facebook
