Illinois is Back in the Final Four and My Smartwatch Thinks I’m Having a Cardiac Event

Illinois officially secured their return to the Final Four. As the final buzzer sounded, my smartwatch violently vibrated, asking if I had been in a severe car crash. No, Apple, I’m just watching Big Ten basketball.

The Physical Toll

I paced an entire 5K in my living room during the second half. My carpet is ruined. My cat refuses to look at me. Illinois basketball is not a hobby; it is a high-intensity cardiovascular workout that I never consented to participating in.