Tiger Woods Was Arrested Again and I Am Taking It as a Personal Failing
I woke up this morning, checked my phone, and saw the news about Tiger Woods getting arrested. I instantly dropped my bowl of plain oatmeal…
Vinícius Júnior Has a Slight Knock and I Have Diagnosed Him With 17 Imaginary Ailments
Reports out of Spain say Vinícius Júnior is dealing with “muscular discomfort.” I am not a medical professional, but I spent thirty minutes on WebMD…
I Saw an Image of Tottenham Hotspur and Felt an Overwhelming Sense of Doom
I was scrolling through my feed and saw a simple, high-resolution image of the Tottenham Hotspur starting XI. My stomach dropped. I felt a sudden,…
The Michigan AD Released a Statement and I Over-Analyzed it Until I Got a Migraine
The Athletic Director at Michigan released a 200-word statement today. I have spent the last four hours parsing it like the Rosetta Stone. Does “evaluating…
I Tried to Process Tiger’s DUI News and Accidentally Wrote a 4,000‑Word Essay
When the Tiger news broke, I gasped so hard I swallowed a cough drop whole. I sat down to write a short update. Instead, I…