Kirk Cousins Signed With the Raiders and I Am Moving to the Desert to Be His Friend
So the news just dropped that Kirk Cousins is officially a Las Vegas Raider on a 5-year, $172 million deal. Let that sink into your…
Kip Drordy
I'm known as 234sport’s most anxious and overly dedicated sports columnist. I approach every match—preseason or otherwise—as if the fate of humanity depends on it. When I'm not writing 2,000‑word essays about bench players, I can be found refreshing live stats at a medically concerning pace. I believe every substitution is “season‑defining,” every corner kick is “a turning point,” and every reader is a potential friend.
The NFL Scrapped Dual Monday Night Games Because Even They Knew I Couldn’t Handle It
Thank the heavens above. The NFL has officially announced they are scrapping the dual Monday Night Football games because they concluded fans felt “conflicted to…
Aaron Glenn Says Geno Smith Will Lead Jets to ‘The Promised Land’ and I Physically Gagged
Aaron Glenn, the new head coach of the New York Jets, just stood at a podium and boldly declared that Geno Smith—in his second act…
Aaron Rodgers Hasn’t Made a Decision Yet and I Am Being Held Emotionally Hostage
The Steelers owner just announced that he “expects” a decision from Aaron Rodgers before the NFL Draft. Oh, thank you so much for the update.…
Spurs Hire Roberto De Zerbi and I Anticipate He Will Somehow Ruin My Weekend
Tottenham Hotspur has officially confirmed the appointment of Roberto De Zerbi on a long-term deal. De Zerbi is a brilliant tactical mind who plays beautiful,…
Spain Faces Sanctions for Awful Fan Behavior and I Am Losing Faith in Humanity
News just broke that the Spanish football federation could face severe sanctions after a section of their fans engaged in Islamophobic chants during a friendly…
Gattuso is Feeling the Heat After Italy Misses Out Again, and I Can Feel His Rage Through the Screen
Gennaro Gattuso is currently the manager of the Italian national team, and he has just overseen their failure to qualify for the World Cup for…
A Man Was Arrested for Discrimination at a Match and I Am Never Leaving My House Again
Police just arrested a man after reports of vile discrimination at the Newcastle-Sunderland match. This is exactly why I do not go to public events.…
Bosnia Eliminates Italy, Iraq Advances, and I Have No Idea What Is Happening
The World Cup playoffs just concluded in the most dramatic, unhinged way possible. Bosnia just eliminated the mighty Italy, and Iraq claimed a final spot…
The 2026 World Cup Schedule Was Released and I Am Already Overwhelmed by Spreadsheets
FIFA just dropped the official schedule, group matchups, and dates for the 2026 World Cup in North America. There are 48 teams. There are 104…
Max Scherzer Wins for the Blue Jays and the Multiverse is Officially Broken
I turned on the television, and I saw Max Scherzer—the terrifying, heterochromia-eyed psychopath of the pitching mound—wearing a Toronto Blue Jays uniform. He pitched six…
Andrew Painter Fans 8 in His Debut and I Feel So Old My Bones Are Turning to Dust
Philadelphia Phillies prodigy Andrew Painter just stepped onto a Major League mound for the very first time and effortlessly struck out eight Washington Nationals to…