Tottenham is Looking for a Coach and I’m Hiding So They Don’t Pick Me

Tottenham Hotspur fired their manager again. They are reportedly “casting a wide net” for his replacement. I am currently hiding under my dining room table because I am terrified they might cast the net wide enough to include me.

I Have No Qualifications

I don’t know anything about soccer tactics. I think a “false nine” is when you lie about your golf score. But given Tottenham’s recent hiring history, my lack of knowledge makes me a prime candidate. If a London number calls my phone today, I am throwing it in the river.