Jose Fernandez Debuts With Multiple Home Runs and My Self-Esteem Hits Rock Bottom
The Arizona Diamondbacks’ Jose Fernandez just became only the 8th player in Major League Baseball history to debut with multiple home runs. He stepped up…
FIFA Bans Goalkeepers From Using Hands Unless They Say ‘Pretty Please’ to the Referee
I am officially done with international football. FIFA just released their updated rulebook for the 2026 World Cup, and it includes a mandate that is…
My Internet Went Out During a Crucial Playoff Game and I Accepted My Demise
There was one minute left on the clock. It was a one-point game. The point guard drove the lane, elevated for the shot, and the…
Shohei Ohtani Hit a Foul Ball That Looked Like It Was Aimed at Me Personally
I was watching the Dodgers game on my laptop, and Shohei Ohtani ripped a 115-mph foul ball directly into the camera lens behind home plate.…
An Imposter Scammed Millions Posing as an NFL Star, and I Can’t Even Get a Refund from Doordash
News broke today that a brilliant, terrible imposter posed as NFL safety Xavier McKinney and successfully scammed a lender out of millions of dollars. The…
The NFL is Partnering With Tiger Woods for Flag Football and My Brain is Short-Circuiting
The NFL confirmed a massive flag football partnership with Tiger Woods’ TMRW Sports. What does this mean? Are they tackling on the putting green? Is…
Nmecha Misses the World Cup and I Am Projecting My Own Fear of Missing Out Onto Him
Lukas Nmecha is officially out of the World Cup due to injury. I read the news and immediately felt a crushing wave of FOMO (Fear…
The 2026 World Cup is Coming and I Don’t Have Enough Snacks Stockpiled
The 2026 World Cup is rapidly approaching, and it’s being hosted in North America. Do you understand what this means? The matches are going to…
Enzo Fernandez Might Go to Madrid and I Am Overwhelmed by the Financial Logistics
Rumors are suggesting Enzo Fernandez might be Madrid-bound in another astronomical transfer deal. I tried to calculate the amortization of his contract using a napkin…
Fantasy Baseball is the Most Complex Punishment I Have Ever Endured
I signed up for a Fantasy Baseball league because an automated email invited me and I thought it meant I was popular. I was wrong.…
The Leafs Avenged Auston Matthews and I Wish Someone Would Avenge Me
Auston Matthews took a cheap shot, and immediately, four Toronto Maple Leafs players descended upon the offender like a pack of rabid wolves, throwing off…
An AI Picked the Final Four and Refused to Talk to Me About It
All the sports networks are bragging about how an advanced AI predictive model picked the perfect Final Four. I don’t care about its bracket. I…