Bosnia Plays Italy and I’m Stressed About the Geopolitical Implications of a 0-0 Draw
Bosnia is set to play Italy in a friendly match. I know it doesn’t count for anything, but I am deeply stressed about the geopolitical…
Vinícius Júnior Has a Slight Knock and I Have Diagnosed Him With 17 Imaginary Ailments
Reports out of Spain say Vinícius Júnior is dealing with “muscular discomfort.” I am not a medical professional, but I spent thirty minutes on WebMD…
Tottenham is Looking for a Coach and I’m Hiding So They Don’t Pick Me
Tottenham Hotspur fired their manager again. They are reportedly “casting a wide net” for his replacement. I am currently hiding under my dining room table…
I Saw an Image of Tottenham Hotspur and Felt an Overwhelming Sense of Doom
I was scrolling through my feed and saw a simple, high-resolution image of the Tottenham Hotspur starting XI. My stomach dropped. I felt a sudden,…
Why Is Every Tournament Game a Blowout? I Blame Myself
This has been the Big Dance of blowouts. Twenty‑one games decided by 20 or more. At some point, you stop watching basketball and start watching…
Illinois Pulled Away Late and So Did My Sanity
Illinois pulled away late. I did not. I paced so much my smartwatch asked if I was “in distress.” Yes, actually. Thank you for noticing.…
Michigan Plays Tennessee Today and I Have Already Apologized to My Television
Michigan vs. Tennessee. The immovable object meets the unstoppable force. I have already gently patted my flat-screen TV and apologized for the things I am…
Arizona Made the Final Four and I Am Shocked but Also Not
Arizona is in the Final Four for the first time in 25 years. I celebrated, panicked, celebrated again, then panicked harder. On paper, this makes…
Wagler Scored a Historic 25 and I Took It as a Personal Insult
Wagler just dropped a historic 25 points in a tournament game. He is 19 years old. Meanwhile, I am an adult who just spent five…
Rick Pitino Signed a New Deal and I’m Scared for Everyone Else
Rick Pitino signing a new deal through 2030 feels less like a contract and more like a warning. To who? Everyone. Opponents, recruits, referees, me…
Michigan Won by So Much I Thought My TV Was Broken
Michigan won by 37 points. That’s not a basketball game — that’s a cry for help. I kept checking the score bug like it was…
I Placed a $5 March Madness Bet and Now I Understand Wall Street Corruption
I downloaded a sports betting app and placed exactly $5 on a heavily favored team. They immediately went down by 12 points in the first…